I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
