How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
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