yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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