So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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