There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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