I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am one with the molecules
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
