Cold hands, warm shart.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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