apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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