She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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