you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
there is glitter all over my balls
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
