i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
