The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
