We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
