she was so not down for the gang bang
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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