I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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