Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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