hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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