u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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