I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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