he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
