I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
