i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
