my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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