dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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