Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
