I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize