at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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