JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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