Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
