just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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