Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
