At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I need help removing her.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
