umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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