Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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