Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
