Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
