my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize