it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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