I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
