Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
