Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
