member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
