Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
