I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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