Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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