help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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