don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i've created a new STD.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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