my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
