I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
