If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
