I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
