Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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