Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
