I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger