I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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